Celebrity Apprentice: Who Stole My Phone?

Celebrity Apprentice (Screen: NBC Universal)

“We’ve really reached a new low.” Dang, even Trump agrees!

Bread and Circuses

Trump and his soulless automaton sons ask each team to create a photobomb campaign1 for King’s Hawaiian bread, featuring New York cityscapes and catchy hashtags. Kenya Moore leads Vortex, while Johnny Damon manages Infinity.

As usual, Ian Ziering begins pitching an endless barrage of bad ideas to Infinity; everyone politely ignores him. They instead build a concept around Brandi Glanville’s slogan, “We rise to the occasion.” Then Ian steps up with a couple useful notions – superimpose images of bread and buns on skyscrapers, and get some choice skyline shots from his buddy’s private helicopter. Leeza Gibbons worries they aren’t incorporating enough branding. Johnny heeds her advice and the whole team is pleased with the results.

Still reeling from last week’s boardroom blowout, Vivica Fox isn’t buying Kenya’s sudden call for a truce but determines to play nice. She doesn’t argue with Kenya’s obviously terrible concept, “I like big buns.” THIS INVOLVES MANY ASS SHOTS OF HOT NY CHICKS IN CASE YOU HADN’T GUESSED. Peacemaker Geraldo Rivera suggests they include Kenya’s booty in the shoot, noting that it’s bigger and better than Vivica’s. He and Kenya get along splendidly, while Vivica hangs at the sidelines. At some point, Vivica notices her phone has mysteriously gone missing…

Continuing the same theme we’ve seen over the past four challenges, Infinity wows the execs while Vortex tanks their presentation. Though Kenya later explains in the boardroom that lady butts are “a hot topic”, her creepy concept – especially the baffling hashtag #BabyLuvsBuns – fails big time. Infinity wins again and so does Johnny’s eponymous charity!2

Kenya and Geraldo initially gang up on Vivica, telling Trump she was dead weight. Kenya goes further, saying Vivica is a volatile, emotional wreck who tweets about being menopausal.3 Vivica says this is an easily disproven lie, but then Automaton Jr. pulls out his phone and finds that very tweet! Obviously, “someone” stole Vivica’s phone and tweeted that completely uncharacteristic rant. No one can prove it was Kenya, but even Geraldo suddenly looks at her like, “Ewwww.” All that aside, Kenya’s ideas suck and she’s done no good for Vortex, so Trump fires her.

Jingle Joust

With Vortex down to two players, Trump sends MVP Leeza to their side. The teams’ next assignment is to create an original jingle for Bud Lite’s new line of Lime-a-Ritas. Leeza leads Vortex while Brandi steps up for Infinity.

This challenge might as well be called, “Which over-confident narcissist hurts their team more?” On the Vortex side, Geraldo is obsessed with creating a latin-infused jingle but has little songwriting talent. Leeza pushes for a sports chant instead. She wisely incorporates Geraldo’s one decent brain fart – “nice on ice” – and makes it the star of the show. Between that nod to his ego and his tacit understanding that Leeza’s way better at this game, Geraldo decides to cooperate.

Ian is far less comfortable hearing “no” from his Infinity teammates. Brandi encourages amateur songwriter Johnny to compose a jingle, but Ian insists that his riff on “La Cucaracha” is waaaaay better. He stubbornly pouts well after the musicians and engineers arrive. Brandi pretends she’s considering his song until the last minute, then explicitly refuses it. That’s when Ian tells her she’s incompetent.

The teams perform their jingles live to some execs and former Celebrity Apprentice/guest judge/currently dead person Joan Rivers. Again, it’s apparent who won. As Trump and the judges explain in the boardroom, the best thing about Infinity’s jingle was that it mentioned every Lime-a-Rita flavor. Otherwise, it was too wordy and not catchy. Vortex’s jingle was the jam, so Leeza wins again for her eponymous charity!4

Brandi blames Ian for being a crappy teammate and he blames her for poor management. He believes his song would have won. But when he sings it, everyone knows it’s just “La Cucaracha” with different lyrics. Ian says it isn’t. WHAT THE? Trump is flat out flummoxed by this insanity. Ian doubles down, insisting his song is both original and awesome, so Trump fires him for being annoying. But then he still has to fire someone for the crappy song that did make it to the presentation. Brandi and Johnny hem and haw, partly because they really like each other, but maybe also because they’re not the brightest? Trump fires Johnny for writing a bad jingle, then fires Brandi for being ineffectual. RIP Infinity!

The More You Know

So, what did we learn in this episode of theĀ Celebrity Apprentice?

  • Kenya’s violent fantasy. “If Vivica tries to throw me under the bus again…I will not only throw her under the bus and drop it on her several times, I will get in the bus, drive over her, and then back up and drive over her again.” But she would never, EVER steal her phone!
  • All these people go on about Twitter, but none of them seem to know how it works.
  • Johnny struggled with a childhood stutter and gets nervous about public speaking, so Leeza covers his photo presentation and he loves her. Aww!
  • Sometimes Blond Automaton keeps it surprisingly real, like explaining to Kenya, “The fact that a baby might be sexually attracted your ass… they found it off-putting.”
  • Women trashing each others bodies and using slurs like “dirty ass bitch” and “ghetto” = totally normal in a corporate boardroom and DEFINITELY NOT encouraged by the producers.
  • OMG Ian was way more insufferable than Geraldo this week!
  • Trump may be an elitist, delusional, top 1% tool, but his exasperation toward Ian legit cracked me up. “Am I going CRAZY HERE?” I felt like he was channeling the old Jewish man Eddie Murphy played in Coming to America. Kudos, Donald. Most likable moment ever.5
  • Leeza joins Vortex and pulls them out of a losing streak. At the same time, Infinity implodes in the style of a Greek tragedy, leaving zero survivors. DERP, I WONDER WHO OUGHTA WIN THIS COMPETITION?

Next week on theĀ Celebrity Apprentice: Clip Show meets Bonus Elimination meets The Final Two Face-Off Begins!

  1. Cuz that’s a thing  
  2. Shady  
  3. Which I look forward to doing on whatever version of social media exists in 10 or so years – brace yourselves, children!  
  4. Shady  
  5. And on the day we 99% start polishing our pitchforks, I’ll remember it kindly.  

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