Why Watch? Sleepy Hollow’s ‘Heartless’

T: I don’t think so. They interrupt the succubus.

M: ‘Interrupting the succubus’ is totally a euphamism for something.

T: Um, yes it is. She’s EATING HIS DESIRE FOR Abbie. and dressed herself up as a stand-in for Abbie. Of COURSE it’s a visual euphemism. So they get the succubus off Hawley but she runs away. He’s all wounded hero now, so they bear him back to the cabin and somehow, it’s the next day, and Abbie “stops by” to talk things over with the team. And there’s Hawley, sitting on a stump, wrapping tape around his spectacularly bare chest.

M: Go back – how does one dress like Abbie? Cargo pants and a Glock?

T: Pretty much. Black jacket, tight shoulders, ponytail.

M: Pursed lips of disbelief at the men in her life.

T: Wide eyes to take in more of the world that’s sure to disappoint her but is yet. worth. saving.

M: Those last three words spoken at a volume just above swallowed.

T: Subvocal, for only the spirit of Corbin to hear. SO, now, exactly 30 minutes after I asserted that the Winchesters are cleanshaved WE SEE HAWLEY’S CHEST.

M: Very cleanshaved?

T: And can I please just have a moment to thank whatever casting agent went through this process so beautifully thoroughly? Because, no. NOPE, unlike the wispy Winchesters (sorry fanfolk) Hawley sports a chestrug of glory.

M: OF GLORY! (Chestrug of Glory – name of your next band)

T: Abbie helps tape him up, he makes more eyes at her, and Ichabod comes out with all sorts of bottles and things and attempts to be an apothecary. It’s cute. But there’s also the very gratuitous Hawley chest.

M: So Ichabod’s begrudgingly begrudging Hawley’s usefullnes?

T: Ichabod has not yet made up his mind.  Meanwhile, Katrina’s been having nightmares.

M: Oh no!

T: Of being in whateverwhatever mansion with Henry, standing before a crib.

M: Yesyes surely that means nothing.

T: The trio heads off to the archives to do more research.

M: To the archives!

T: Where they learn that the succubus can only be vanquished by…

M: True love’s kiss!

T: a) falling in love b) destroying her heart c) fire d) decapitation e) complex spell-casting that requires an entire coven.

M: Trick question – decapitation by fire! Well, she doesn’t have a heart, so b’s out. A would be… the end of my interest in this conversation.

T: B is totally in! She was raised from a heart… quid pro quo, destroy the heart, you kill the spell; kill the spell, you destroy its creation.

M: Oh, her origin heart, not the heart that does not exist within her chest.

T: Yah.

M: You see how I was confused there for a moment.

T: Well I did have b) stabbed through where her heart should be c) destroy her heart, but I confused myself.

M: And that’s never a good thing. My guess – E, as it gives Katrina a purpose.

T: Exactement. So now they know how to stop her – but where is she? And where oh where is the heart? Two things: they have to find the succubus to stop her from claiming another victim. and they have to find the heart so they can crush it. Who does what?

M: Well, Katrina already cast a spell that lets them know where the sucubuss is,right? So… they do that again?

T: They….seem to have forgotten that they did that. And opt instead for some criminal profiling. “She feeds in a circular pattern1 so let’s go back to the nightclub where she found her original victim.”

M: Thank you for covering all of my concerns right there. The heart meanwhile… is in some place we’ve never seen before, I’m sure.

T: Katrina is sure Henry has shielded the heart, so she and Abbie go hunting for hex signs in a cemetery. Hawley and Ichabod, meanwhile, go to the nightclub. Any guesses as to Ichabod’s assessment of nightclub music?

M: Are the words ‘infernal racket’ utered?

T: Close enough. He mourns the fact that today’s youth don’t dance the Viennese Waltz or the allemande. True fact: thanks to Ichabod, now I know how to pronounce allemande.

M: Tres bien.

T: Mmhm. So Katrina and Abbie find a mausoleum with hexes all over the stone face – in they go and find a jar of hearts!

M: A whole jar?! That was unexpected.

T: More like an urn. But jar of hearts is a song, so…

What followed was a needlessly long digression involving the music video for Jar of Hearts leading to this comment about the lead singer:

T: That should be Katrina’s new look.

M: I could see that – contemporary linen.

T: That got an honest gut-chuckle from me. Contemporary linen: Gwyneth Paltrow’s new line for Target. So they find an urn, and when they uncork it (uncap it?) it’s full of maggots (ewwwww).

M: And hearts?

T: Nope, maggots. And Katrina’s like “ACK EW AWAY FROM ME” and Abbie’s all “well that is gross and disgusting, should I tip it over?” To which Katrina responds “They’ll run everywhere!” and Abbie looks into the jar and up at Katrina, and drawls, “They’re maggots. they don’t run.”

M: They wiggle. IN HORRIFYING WAYS.

T: Well. Turns out Abbie sees maggots, Katrina sees rats. Cloaking spell (go Henry). hat do our heroines do?

M: Cast a counter spell. No, no… suck it up, each grab hold of a side of the urn, look at each other, count to three, and throw it to the ground.

T: Too much teamwork.

M: Snerk. Then I have no idea.

T: The rats/maggots thing is supposed to be their greatest fear. Abbie rolls up her sleeve and sticks her arm into the wriggling mass of nasty maggots.

M: Maggots are her greatest fear? That’s… weak.

T: I don’t think it’d work to have Mrs. Mills’ head in the jar. Or a vision of Abbie going crazy like her mom – that doesn’t fit into a jar. So: next best thing?

M: So it’s her greatest fear that can be fit into a jar.

T: It wasn’t very clear. more like greatest ick that can be fit into a jar? Anyway: out pops the heart and Katrina goes into spellcasting mode. CUT TO: the nightclub with the boys.

M: Hawley, Crane, macarena?

T: Crane has totally caught onto Hawley’s crush and is all “What are your intentions, my hmhmhmhm good man.”

M: Good – some freaking movement on that plot.

T: And Hawley’s like, “dude, none of your age-old business. let’s catch us a succubus. look there she is. oh wait she moved.”

M: How tricky!

T: “I’ll go this way.” And they split up.

M: Well, Hawley certainly won’t make the same mistake twice, right?

T: dun dun DUN – Ladykins Hotpants goes after Crane.

M: But he has such a stiff upper lift there won’t possibly be anything for her to grab onto down below.2

T: Ah, but he has doubt. His desire is for his doubt to be wholly erased and that–that she can latch onto. She does a fair approximation of gasping Katrina, too. She’s all vowels and breath.

M: Yeah she is.

T: So the succubus has Crane in her clutches.

M: Gasp!

T: Does he a) succumb b) succumb just long enough for Katrina’s spell to work c) stab the damn woman d) shriek for Hawley e) kick her in the knee.

M: Oh I want it to be d… ugh, I can’t be bothered to scroll back – what are the needs of Katrina’s spell?

T: She just has to say words. In order. From a book.

M: Ah, one of those spells.

T: Yup. Tricky, those word spells.

M: I won’t demean the profession by suggesting they’re commonplace, mind you. All spells require work. This isn’t an industry one just jumps into and succeeds at.

T: No no, you have to want it, truly.

M: Plus the schooling…

  1. How they discovered that, I do not know; she’s only struck thrice.  
  2. I DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS – M  

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About Aaron Mucciolo 206 Articles
He does things. That's all we can say at this time. E-mail: mooch@whatelseison.tv