M: Let’s summarize the two conversations that are occurring: Henry to Ichabod: Mommy didn’t love me, she loved you, and despite your impassioned speech I’m sticking with Moloch.
T: Right, that’s his line.
M: Abbie to Katrina: You figured out how to save Ichabod for 200 years, surely there must be a better plan here than killing yourself to prevent Moloch’s rise.
T: Oh good line Abbie.
M: Also, “Don’t say no… say rise!” purrs Henry.
M: It was the only good thing about either scene.
T: Purrrrrrring Henry is creepy Henry.
M: Ichabod comes back all ‘I heard.. Moloch.. this sucks’ and Abbie shows him the pictures from the warehouse
T: Is there a sonogram?! This is important. To me.
M: Thank you for clarifying. No.
T: I’m abject with disappointment.1
M: The picture of the stone tablet came out weird – there’s some shimmering light stuff around it…
T: SPARKLY VAMP WITCH BABY
M: No, more like the aurora borealis.
M: The northern lights?
T: Yeah I know that but…. why? That’ a weird light effect to bring into Sleepy Hollow’s world.
M: Maybe they bought all of Siberia’s special effects. (That joke was just for me.)
M: ANYway, this reminds Ichabod of something prompting him to say, and I’m pretty sure I have this quote right: “I must to the internet – quickly!”
T: YES. Action! Internet glory! Please tell me he goes to a Reddit chat!
M: Calling it now – season 3 features an AMA.
M: Ichabod remembers a paper… that Ben Franklin published… where he argues that the aurora borealis is actually a demon banishing somethingorother
T: Oh snap, that’s cool. Ok – when did Ichabod learn to type?
M: He’s computered before…
T: Right: but how did that happen? Did Abbie enroll him in typing school? Can he hire himself out as a secretary?
M: Same way he learned how to use a phone?
T: Court stenographer? Typist?
M: If they pay cash, sure.
T: Anyway, BFranks is the original badass, and Ichabod has the memory to prove it.
M: And this paper contains, of course, a code with the real information. This code being the exceedingly clever approach of printing some letters and writing the rest in cursive. I kid you not.
T: Seriously? When are they going to get high tech with this code stuff?
M: Or use the fact that several of the founding fathers USED OR INVENTED CODES?
T: Right?? Wasted opp.
M: The show’s other motto.
T: Womp womp. (bwaaaaaaamp)
M: So Franklin’s message is that the stone contains a – I heard prison – for demons and basically stick it in sunlight and you’re good.
T: Stick what in the light? The prison? The demon? The vessel? Which light?
M: I assumed it was the stone itself, that it reacted to sunlight the same way the Horseman does. But we find out soon that I am wrong. Anyhoo, Abbie’s plan is to go ask Reyes.
T: Cue: I don’t trust you, Mills?
M: Yes, but first Reyes gets to be the most awesomely cliched police captain ever. She barely glances up from paperwork to say “I told you to keep your walking historical society out of my precinct.”
M: I know! Abbie counters with well there’s something we haven’t told you – “the truth about what’s going on in Sleepy Hollow.” Commercials!
T: NO. Does she make up a cartel story?? Please tell me she satisfies Reyes with a cartel tale.
M: She tells Reyes *part* of the truth.
T: Whaaaaaaaaa? Which part?!
M: She says its a doomsday cult with ‘colonial origins’ which is why she went to Ichabod.
M: Because he’s a history type person. So, not much part.
M: Reyes is begrudgingly sold – but not before saying, and I quote, “You haven’t given me much reason to trust you, Mills.”
T: ::fistbump of joy::
M: So Reyes and Abbie and a few well armed deputies head to the warehouse.
T: Right; as you do with your uninformed uniformed colleagues.
M: I see what you did there. Now, last season we got a full SWAT team in matching outfits. I don’t know if the budget got cut or what but this is a competent if nowhere near as badass a group. None of which is important – there’s a gunfight, all the Hellfire guys get killed, Ichabod swipes the tablet during the ruckus… the passcode on the locked crate housing the tablet being?
T: ALL the Hellfire guys get killed? They suck at their thing. 1776
M: There were only 3 or 4 of them. And no – 3 digits.
M: Hee, no.
M: Yes! “They’re a frickin’ evil club try 666!” shouts Abbie while laying down cover fire.
M: “Real lack of imagination.” mutters Crane.
T: A+ Way to hide your own inability, writers.
M: Best part, though, is the coda – Reyes is looking at them in a new light, Mills especially.
T: Is Reyes impressed now?
M: Yes, she actually tells him “Let’s be in touch.” And she asks Ichabod what it is he does again. You will not guess his response.
T: “Archeologist. after indiana jones”
M: No, not that.
T: “husband, father. native, other.”
M: Haw. No.
T: “turkey farmer”, “colonial reenactor”, “benjamin franklin expert”, “voting right lobbyist”, “your biggest fan”
M: “I’m a criminal profiler – emphasis on acts of historical imitation”
T: He has been watching Criminal Minds!! I bet he thinks Morgan’s a fox.
M: Who doesn’t!
T: But I bet Garcia confuses him – “What are those instruments she treats as pens? They are fluffy, leftenant!”
M: Okay! They have the tablet, and Katrina is screaming in near demon birth.
T: Is Ichabod helping at ALL with lamaze? No breathing techniques for Katrina?
M: Clearly not, as evidenced by every line she’s spoken to this point.
T: It’s not like he was there for Jeremy’s birth…
M: …and I start muttering ‘Just bring it outside!’ But it turns out the tablet contains a prism.
T: AH not a prison.
M: Precisely. So Ichabod smashes the tablet, clambers up to a window, lets the sun shine in through the prism and onto Katrina’s throbbing belly.
T: (Name of your next band.)
M: The special effects are not good.
T: ….sadly, Siberia fails.
M: Plus I’m pretty sure we see the actress’ fillings during one extended scream.
T: Witches have to carry their cyanide and newt-eye somewhere!
M: Success! Belly gone, no Moloch, Katrina goes limp, dramatic music comes to a halt. But all is not well of course – you’ll love what Abbie has to say, in an extremely concerned tone of voice. Guesguesguesss!
T: “Guys, I think I’m going to throw up”
“Guys, I see dead people”
“Guys, is that… Katrina, are you a DRAGON?”
“Guys, I’m having Hawley’s baby”
“Guys, I left my iron on”
“Guys, I forgot to tape HTGAWM”
M: Much much simpler than that. About Katrina, communicating concern to Ichabod, and you will love it. Three words.
T: “he loves ME”
“he likes his cappuccinos with EXTRA foam, you know”
M: Three words! Communicating a situation of concern!
T: “I miss Corbin” ::weeps::
T: “We gotta go”
“EAT YOUR VITAMINS”
M: You are so off track
T: “please buy condoms”
Gah! ,..tell me!!!
M: “She isn’t breathing!”
T: … Okay that time, chocolate flew everywhere.2 That’s really too good. A+ writers. A+.
M: Episode’s basically over at this point – Ichabod does CPR, Katrina lives, Abbie and Ichabod share a moment outside thinking about how close they came to destruction etc etc
There’s some thing that I barely understand where Ichabod saw a flash when he and Henry touched, something of a lost boy running through the woods
T: Yeah cause now Ichabod KNOWS CPR. See? I TOLD YOU he’d use it on Katrina!
M: I know!
T: ::dances:: He’s a fast learner!
M: Happy birthday, Tanya 🙂
T: YAY YAY YAY ::party hats for EVERYONE::
M: Oh, Abbie presents Ichabod with a fist to bump, which he does – and blows it up!
T: OH SNAP. Yeah that!
M: Yeah that, indeed. Any questions?
T: Lessee… fist bump, CPR, breathing comment, (hurrrrrrrharhar), humor, parent theme, Ichabod totally watches Criminal Minds – BIRTHDAY EPISODE! This was good for me.
M: It was! Do anything fun last night?
T: Pregamed for THIS …actually, yes: I went out for Indian food with a group and then bowling, and Britteni got me a bowling pin from the alley, and everyone signed it, and now it lives in my bedroom corner and his name is Hank.
M: I… see. Tanya, can other people see Hank?
T: ::scowl:: And before that, Liz made me a pie and my cousins sent me a pie and Ma’ayan made me cookies and another friend got me cupcakes I HAVE SO MUCH SUGAR.
M: Speaking of – time for food.
T: And work. ::weep:: But I shall persevere. I have PIE.
M: And chocolate.
T: Oh that’s gone.
M: Unless… chocolate pie?
T: Saving that for when I’m in Dallas next weekend.
M: Texas – the land of chocolate. Well, belated happy birthday again, and talk more soon.
T: Have good eats! And thank you 🙂 I’m so happy SH decided to celebrate my bday too.
M: Now if only I can get a Bella’s shout out.