In this series finale TV movie, what happens to the Saved by the Bell gang in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas. (That’s a bad thing.)
Watching Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas is sort of like watching your 14-year-old cousin perform selections from Annie during the family Christmas party. The antics that were sort of cute when she was younger make you question her mental health today.
I recall a few episodes of Scooby Doo that were more elegantly plotted than this piece of schlock. Borrowing lightly from Mrs. Doubtfire, moderately from Sister Act and heavily from my nightmares, this series-capping movie finds the Bayside gang road-tripping to Las Vegas for Zack and Kelly’s wedding. I can’t buy this development, and not just because they’re chronologically 19 and, in Zack’s case, emotionally 13. Hard fact: Kelly has long since outpaced Zack in the hotness department. In fact, by the filming of this movie, Tiffani Thiessen had already made her physical transformation into 90210’s scheming Valerie Malone. She rocks ribbed knits, suspenders, a blunt bob and a few other assets that are unladylike for me to catalog. I spent the entire movie hoping she’d steal a car and race off to find Dylan McKay.
But no, we’re stuck with the original Bayside group, minus Jessie, who always did have the best judgment. They caravan to Vegas, with the boys landing in jail along the way and the girls breaking down on some remote desert road. Before Kelly and Lisa can break a sweat, along comes Curt, hilariously wandering over the dusty horizon wearing only jeans, an open suede vest and a hairstyle modeled after the Farrah Flip. Don’t be excited by this porno setup: our hippie hero just fixes the car and catches a ride to Sin City.
The gang reunites. Zack has lost all the wedding money to a Wilford Brimley-esque sheriff who opines about his love of Blossom, setting up a miserable 30 minutes montage of money-making schemes that shockingly fail. There’s also a fancy diamond at their hotel, which we know is expensive because it sits in a case in the lobby next to a giant gold sign reading $4,000,000. OH NO THIS IS VEGAS SURELY NOTHING NEFARIOUS WILL HAPP-
Yep, gangsters. Gangsters want the diamond, but the stupid Baysiders plus their two new friends Hippie Hero and Already-Forgot-Her-Name somehow get in the way, and a chase ensues. It is so, so stupid that it should be wiped from human memory. Eventually Zack’s parents come to town and fund the wedding to which they previously objected.
Lisa was a super-hot bridesmaid (RIP Lark Voorhies’ sanity). Jessie and Belding show up. That part was nice. Everything else was terrible. This movie features Gilbert Gottfried as a pimp, OK? Plus plentiful Screech. Let us strike it from our minds.
Actually, there is one great part (other than the part where it was over). Richard Schiff, aka Toby Ziegler from The West Wing, aka the King of My Heart, has a bit part as a cop at the Podunk station where the guys are held. His name is Dano. I will let you imagine what he’s instructed to do. Ugh, actually, even that part was terrible.
Saved by the Bell, we loved you once, but this finale movie was super tiresome. I feel angry people were paid to make it. It should be shown to alien overlords to prove that we are not smart enough to bother with. It is not all right (cause you’re saved by the bell).