The Bachelorette visits the final four in their respective hometowns. And hometown strip clubs.
DO break out the insane greater-Milwaukee accent during your hometown. But only if you actually have one, like Nick. Why didn’t we notice this before tonight?
(Side note: I am from Milwaukee, and found it hilarious last week when Andi was so excited to be going to Milwaukee. It’s a great city, but come on. It’s Milwaukee, for God’s sake.)
DON’T terrify the Bachelorette by introducing her to your giant (Mormon? Catholic?) family all at once.
DON’T send a small child to do reconnaissance and figure out whether the Bachelorette is into you, Nick. Children are terrible at everything, except short bursts of cardio.
DO live in small-town Iowa, as Chris does. You can buy a farm with a nice house for the price of a shitty condo in Atlanta, apparently. Take the Bachelorette on your ($200,000, by the way) tractor and she will think you are super manly, sit on your lap, and make salacious references to “plowing.”
(Side note: I live in Iowa, and the whole state is not entirely this rural. Chris is country as f***. I mean, he’s off the paved road, for God’s sake.)
DO get sweaty on your hometown date, like Josh. Sweat = pheromones = a rose.
DON’T let your brother talk about his extremely exciting NFL draft prospects. All focus must be on the Bachelorette at all times.
DO take the Bachelorette to a strip club to re-enact your first date, which tragically involved stripping. Nice to see “all of you” again, Marcus.
DO shave everything on your body except your chest and your face. Women cannot resist a man with no forearm or leg hair. I guess.
DON’T forget Eric Hill. Gone far too soon. So young. So hot. Rest in peace, buddy.
Leaving tonight: Marcus. Sorry you wasted all that time shaving, dawg.
Next week on The Bachelorette, we have fantasy suites in the Dominican Republic! Bring the Valtrex!