I Wanna Marry “Harry” Week 3: Aristocra-trocity

Kelly may have pulled a Louganis on I Wanna Marry "Harry"
I Wanna Marry "Harry" (Photo: Chris Raphael / Fox)

This week on I Wanna Marry “Harry,” the ladies in the Harr-em suffer head trauma and learn how to twerk. Truly, behavior befitting a future queen.

Kimberly + Sir = (heart)

Kimberly, recipient of the hallowed and treasured Crown Suite Key, is taken on a hot air balloon date that yields many hilarious remarks. “I have never seen a hot air balloon before. It’s like seeing a unicorn!” You are so right, Kimberly, because most people strongly doubt the existence of hot air balloons. Later, they are interrupted in a forest by fake paparazzi and Kimberly swoons over the possibility of being on the cover of a British tabloid. Headline: “Fake Harry Loves Real Moron.”

Meghan vs Jackie, Continued

Both of these women are idiots, but Meghan with her trash-mouth and bizarre metaphors (“No offense, Columbus, but you couldn’t navigate anything”) is infinitely more entertaining than Jackie, whose only identifying characteristic is that she looks like she’s had some surgical face-work done.

The Harr-em

Our amateur sleuths continue to try and figure out who Sir actually is, and they think every bit of (planted) evidence points to him being Harry. Fortunately there are a few voices of reason who don’t seem to be drinking the Kool-aid, but they are not featured very prominently. In fact, this is the first time we’ve heard Chelsea speak.


Jackie (or Jacqueline), Maggie, and Kelley are chosen for a boating group date on an idyllic lake. Kelley starts talking about The Notebook, calling it the ultimate romance. Yeah, because every woman dreams of being coerced into a first date by threat of suicide, then getting debilitating dementia later in life. Kelley does a backflip off the boat and hits her head on the side. GREAT, now she’ll be able to compare her brain damage to The Notebook.

Pool Party

They all participate in the most dull limbo contest in television history before “Harry” decides to take Big-Boobs Meghan to the hot tub for some alone time. Meghan refers to herself as a “package deal” when I think she meant “full package.” “Package deal” sounds like she has 4 kids and a dying mother to deal with. After that abomination, we watch Self-Professed Genius Carley take her turn at the DJ stand and get the party started. Chelsea teaches the girls how to twerk and yes, she is definitely the one of these girls I would most want to hang with. Second-Biggest-Boobs Karina is also selected for hot tub time. Meanwhile, Maggie is wasted and upset. Again.


Carley and Karina are called away from dinner to learn their fates. Carley is sent home to continue her education, because she is so intelligent, after all. Karina is given the key to the Crown Suite, presumably because Fake Harry was impressed with her boring “I dated a soccer player” story in the hot tub. Whatever.

Next week on I Wanna Marry “Harry,” Chelsea tells the girls to shut the fuck up, making her my personal hero; and the crew of dingbats suspects that Fake Harry is actually (Fake) William.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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