That Happened: Petals on the Wind

Cathy is lounging by the fire with Bart, trying to seduce him and succeeding. Cut to them doing it doggy-style while standing up, which definitely gets them points for difficulty. Note that this brings the “relatives Cathy’s banged” tally up to at least two. Later, Cathy is vomiting and she is clearly pregnant, since that is literally the only reason women ever vomit in movies. Pregnant with her stepdad’s baby? This is becoming an “I’m my own grandpa” situation.

Sarah’s dad announces the day before the wedding that he is giving them a honeymoon in Bermuda! Hooray! Then Cathy shows up wearing a see-through lace nightgown and tries to talk Christopher into going through with the wedding. Ho, if you don’t want him to want you, you need to stop showing up around him in see-through lace nightgowns. Sarah walks in on them making out. Uh oh, Spaghettios. Guess the wedding’s off.

Now the cat is out of the bag. Cathy and Christopher contemplate their next move. Christopher is pro-moving away and starting a new life. Cathy responds “I’m pregnant with Bart’s child.” She wants to finish what she started. What diabolical plan do you have, woman? Christopher vows to help her with her unnamed diabolical plan.

Cathy strolls through the mansion while a voiceover of Hag and Heather’s creepiest statements plays. Cathy hears Hag, not in voiceover, yelling for a nurse and finds her in her bedroom looking like the Cryptkeeper. “You’re just a pathetic old hag.” Shout-out!

Heather gives Bart a handjob with shaving cream while angrily confronting him about his affair with the “mystery woman.” Yep, I just typed that. Later, during their Christmas party (in the newly renovated Hag Manor), Bart is wearing a hideous plaid jacket that needs to die in a fire. Cathy crashes in the party and gives a delightful toast about Heather and all her horrific failings/murders as a mother. Hag is totally Team Cathy, making Heather frantic to get all the guests out of the house ASAP. They stay. Cathy announces that she is pregnant with Bart’s child. Best party EVER!

The guests finally leave (I’ll bet they were bummed) and Heather is beside herself. Bart and Cathy talk and he is all “you totally used me for sex, you monster.” What a bitch he is. Meanwhile, Heather is screeching at Hag and blaming her for her aforementioned horrific failings/murders as a mother. Christopher comes in and Heather hits on him. She seems to have had a psychotic break, thinking he is her dead husband. Either that or this entire family can only get aroused by shared DNA. Heather burns the house down and Hag cannot escape. What a way to go. Bart runs up to save Hag (and presumably dies) while Heather, Christopher and Cathy escape, and Cathy’s like “what have I done?” That is a fantastic question, and I cannot answer because this movie is jumping around more than Kris-Kross.

Six years later, Cathy, Christopher and their brood of children are all simply perfect and hosting a perfect backyard barbecue, with their sibling relationship now kept a secret from all, even though we all know that’s your SISTER, MAN. Heather is in an asylum and is giving us the most convincing acting performance of her entire career. Send that scene to the Emmy committee! They will laugh and throw it away, of course, but still.

That’s all for Petals on the Wind. But good news, gang: there will be more sequels! *sarcastic clapping*

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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