That Happened: Petals on the Wind

Cathy performs as Juliet and blows kisses to her brother waiting in the wings. Why doesn’t he have an actual seat in the audience? Julian is feeling up Carrie in the dressing room (huh?) and Christopher and Cathy walk in on it. A fistfight breaks out and Julian drives off with Cathy. This will seriously put a damper on this evening’s performance of Romeo and Juliet. Julian thinks Cathy is in love with her brother (duh) and Cathy is like “I’m pregnant with your child!” and Julian crashes the car. The last two minutes have been so fucked up, I can’t even. If you didn’t watch this and are reading this thinking “this would make more sense if I were seeing it,” you are wrong.

We cut to ten months later in South Carolina. Cathy is teaching a ballet class to a bunch of leotarded little shits. After class we get an Expository Conversation wherein we learn that Julian died in the accident, Cathy is getting confused from mild brain damage, and she now has a baby boy. Great.

Carrie is singing in a choir and making googly eyes at a hot young minister. Jesus Christ. He asks her out on a date. Is this allowed?

Sarah is watching Cathy’s baby when Christopher tells her about Cory, Carrie’s dead twin. Not sure why they are talking about this, but it will surely be relevant later.

Carrie’s date with the minister (Alex) is going well. Oh wait, holy shit, apparently they have now been dating for months, and he is proposing to her. Seriously, Movie, stop jerking us around.

Carrie and Cathy have a heart-to-heart about how Carrie and Julian hooked up, and how can Carrie be a minister’s wife now? Please, most ministers have done way more scandalous things. Cathy encourages her to marry him. Yes, because all teen marriages last forever.

Carrie hand-delivers a wedding invitation to Heather at some garden party. What the hell is going on? How does Carrie know where Heather is? Heather is all “I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!” Except in a lifeless monotone, because this is Heather Graham we’re talking about. So Carrie decides to make rat-poison donuts, which as you will recall killed Cory the Dead Twin. Cathy stumbles upon the donuts and giant “poison (skull and crossbones)” container and is suitably horrified, running upstairs with Christopher to discover that Carrie has committed suicide by donut. Most people, if they want to kill themselves with donuts, just gorge themselves daily and wait decades for obesity to do its work, but Carrie is quite enterprising. I am distracted by how angelic and perfect Carrie looks in death, despite the fact that ingesting poison would almost certainly make her puke up blood all over her pretty white dress before she finally croaked with her eyes wide open. Also, why does she have powdered sugar on both her hands? Nobody eats a donut with two hands. Nobody.

And then there were two! Cathy and Christopher have a big argument because Cathy wants to go all Uma Thurman on Heather’s ass, and Christopher disagrees. Cathy goes to meet with Lawyer Bart (you will remember him as the creep who married Heather) who clearly doesn’t know who she is. Bart immediately starts telling Cathy a lot of personal information, which is extremely unprofessional and I hope he isn’t counting this towards his billable hours. We find out Cathy’s son is named Jory. WTF kind of name is that?

Christopher’s supervisor scolds him about not proposing to Sarah (his daughter) yet. Ah, the old father-given ultimatum. Later, Sarah shows up on Cathy’s doorstep and apparently Cathy lives in Virginia now. What the hell is going on? Sarah asks Cathy to be a part of her and Christopher’s wedding. That was quick.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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